Of beans and flatulence.

 I'm quite proud to be a Texan, but I have to admit that sometimes I feel like I don't really cook like one.  I never make grits in fact I think I've only eaten them once in my life.  I can't make chili--which is to say that I can follow a recipe, but there's so much pressure to making AMAZING CHILI that I just never attempt it because to fail would be to fail as a Texan.  There is, however, one dish I do make that I love and is quite Texan, to the point of being practically trail-food.  It's not the sort of thing one would offer to guests, especially dainty females, but to me it's the last word in comfort food: beans and cornbread.

Before I continue, a word about flatulence:  I think beans get a bit of a bad rap where gas is concerned.  I've seen guests refuse bean dishes before, flatly declaring "That looks like gas city."  I remember it because it was the rudest I've ever seen anyone behave at table.  But I would like to speak in defense of beans:  I've been eating beans for the past day and a half and have not experienced an unusual amount of gas, and much less than I might have had after eating, say ice cream or cheese.  And who among you is never going to eat ice cream or cheese again?

I thought not.  If you want to eat in such as selective way that you never have gas, you'll need to take a lot out of your diet besides just beans, including foods with fiber, many fruits and vegetables, and fatty, fried things.  If nothing else, eat beans once or twice a month in solidarity with those parts of the world who are grateful to have anything to put in their mouths, and wouldn't dream of turning it down because of a little flatulence.

Ahem.  I'm off my soapbox.

The one thing I really dislike about beans is that I like to cook spontaneously, whenever I'm in the mood.  I know that's a luxury of my poverty and lack of employment, but since I have few luxuries I have to take what I can get.  Beans, however, will have none of it.  You'll need to start plenty early for this recipe because dried beans require soaking before cooking and then they have to cook for a good while unless you want crunchy beans (yuck). The good news, however, is that overnight soaking does not seem to produce the best beans.  This go-around I tried a different method, and my beans cooked up much better and faster.  Last time I made beans I cooked and cooked and cooked and cooked them and they just. wouldn't. get. done.

The cornbread recipe will have to wait for another day.  I'm not 100% satisfied with the one I have now, so you may as well try your luck with your favorite trusty cookbook.

TRAIL BEANS
1 lb dried beans
1/2 pound bacon
2 large onions, chopped
4oz can of jalapenos
1 teaspoon salt

SOAKING
Put your beans in a pot and add enough cold water to cover the beans by several inches.  Pick out any floaters.  Bring to a boil and boil for 2 minutes.  Let stand and soak for at least an hour.  Drain and set aside.

COOKING
Chop the bacon up and fry in the pot.  Once the bacon is cooked and the fat rendered, add the onions and saute in the bacon grease until soft.  Add the beans back to the pot along with enough water to cover the beans.  They will continue to expand as they cook, so add water as needed.  Add the salt and the can of jalapenos as well, undrained.

Cover and simmer for 45 minutes to an hour.  Bean cooking time varies greatly on the exact kind of bean, how old they are (impossible to tell), soaking methods, blah, blah, blah... basically just be prepared to cook for a long time and keep checking them.  An easy way to see if they are done is to pull a few out of the water on a spoon and blow on them.  If their skins split, they are done.  It's also kinda fun to watch the skins split.

Serve with pepper and salt on the table, and cornbread (of course).  I always make honey butter with my cornbread; just combine softened butter and honey until you have a proportion you like.  Mmm... If you chill the leftovers, you'll notice a nice bit of lard will harden on top.  If you think that's gross or would like to make your beans healthier, you can skim it off.  I, on the other hand, love the flavor and gobble it up.  I've seen people make this same recipe with a ham hock instead of bacon, or instead of so much bacon, and using oil to saute the onions as well.  So make the recipe your own!

Also, if anyone is in doubt about what to get me for Christmas, observe the photo below for a demonstration of the zero-gravity full-body massage chair:  the boyfriend reclines.  It's on sale, too:  $300 off for the bargain price of $2,999!

Actually, for that much, we can probably just drive to the mall...